i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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