it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize