I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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