Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
