Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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