you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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