I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
