I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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