Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
