I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
