You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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