all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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