Plan B is the new Plan A
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Randomize
