Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
