last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
