high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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