If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
