first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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