i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
