at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
