if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
