come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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