you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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