I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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