I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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