I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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