is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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