there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
