I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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