Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
this boner is exhausting
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
