I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
