I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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