I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
