There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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