Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
