I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
