My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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