im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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