Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
