someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
