I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
