bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Im just a social blackout drinker.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
