The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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