you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
