my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
