have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize