C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
