I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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