Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
