Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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