seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
