big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
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