sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
