You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
zippers are such a cool invention
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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