I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
