OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
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