Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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