I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
