Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
