is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
