she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
