Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
