I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
And then he peed in my hair
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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