so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Randomize
