I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
