New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
