he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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