I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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